I showed some people this photo and I asked them what they saw. They used words like happy, carefree, relaxed, confident …
Let me tell you about this day. I woke up in the morning excited for a boat trip. I was really looking forward to going on an adventure, exploring caves and whatever else the day might bring. We started the day with a 6am meditation followed by a mobility session and then breakfast with the rest of the ladies. It was now time to get ready for our adventure…
Over breakfast it was mentioned that being on the beach with the caves might be a good place for the retreat photographer to take some great photos of us. Suddenly panic set in, shit a professional photographer is going to be there whilst I’m wearing a bikini. My anxiety was overwhelming… I can’t go, I have to wear shorts and a top instead, I’m not getting off the boat, I’ll have to ask her to make sure there are no photos of me… Recognising the signs and emotions that were slowly building, I tried to get out of my head by going for a little walk around the villa. I saw all the other girls in bikinis looking beautiful, confident, sexy – this sent me further down my dark hole. I could feel myself burning up, I was clammy and felt like I needed to go to the toilet. I hid in the toilet and cried. Then I ran to my bedroom and cried.
I felt hideous, unattractive, wobbly and I compared myself to everyone else. The taxi had arrived so I quickly put on my swimsuit, it was definitely not a day for a bikini – I was just grateful for the last minute ASOS panic buy! For the rest of the morning I barely spoke, I was so in my head. Despite being surrounded by a beautiful coast line, blue sea and being with a group of wonderful women that carry no judgement I felt vulnerable and desperately wanted the trip to end. I was so angry and disappointed that I’d allowed my insecurities to ruin my cave exploring experience.
I got back to the villa and needed a moment to clear my head – it didn’t work. I decided I couldn’t hide anymore, I really didn’t want to be defeated. My anxiety and insecurities had already ruined my experience so far that day. I pulled up my big girls pants and I went over to the pool to join everyone and tried – with everything I had, to enjoy the moment and feel the safety of being back at the villa. I tried to engage in conversations and force myself to look happy, confident and comfortable. I was surrounded by some pretty incredible women and felt fortunate to be sat by a pool on a yoga retreat in beautiful surroundings. However, their company, pleasant conversation, a caring hug, the chilled vibes and good music wasn’t enough to shake me out of my mood. As the day came to an end I felt angry and upset that I had let myself get to a point that I couldn’t come back from. I was counting down the time until I could go and climb into bed, hide from the world and start a new day.
The next day, our gorgeously talented photographer showed me this photo. You would never know from this photo my true feelings for most of that day. She had caught a tiny moment of escapism, when I wasn’t in my head and I am so so grateful that she did.
I guess what I am saying, is that no matter what you see in a photo or on social media, it doesn’t always reflect real life, real people and real emotions. Everyone has their own struggles, big or small it’s all relative. Some people are good at hiding it – others aren’t. Sometimes you want to be on your own – other times you need hugs and the right people. One thing I truly believe is to surround yourself with the right people, the people that see you and your worth, people that can lift your mood with a smile and accept you for who you are – those people are the keepers!
Reah
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